Jobs etc…

Well, suddenly i feel that I am doing justice to the name of my blog! These really are confessions I need to make to myself. Keeping thoughts inside me doesnt seem to be of any good. Surprisingly I am not sharing my thoughts with anyone. And look, how easy it is for me to pen down my nuances here. Not being bothered by thinking who will read my thoughts! Seems to be magic.

If any of you have seen Harry Potter, then you should recall something called as a Pensieve.                                                                                                              dumbledore.

For those who don’t know what it is, a pensieve is a  magical device which can store memories. And when needed we can view these memories. I really wish this could be true! So many threads of memories jammed up in the head. A pensieve would definitely make the brain light! I guess for us writing could be our Pensieve. Ok… now for some grief pent up inside. So hear i pour them.

I came back to India after 2 years. Things seem to have changed. Prices,polution,population,noise, and I can go on. Now my friends tell me “Badi aayi America waali”( dont act like an American!) Now after 2 months of staying here i have got used to everything so no more of that sentence.I always say to myself that confidence comes from within. And the only person who can help me is myself. So its important to have faith in oneself. I have forgotten what I had studied 2 years ago.So right now I am doing a recap. When I came here I was all into getting a job mood. But I realised that I should gather up my studies a bit.  Now my husband earns a decent sum of money. Recently he has been talking about trying to do something of his own and thinking about what side job he can do to pay off the bills, loans…..everything. I am unable to tell him that I am utterly disappointed in myself for not getting a job yet. Sometimes I feel I will not be able to do anything. This whole time my parents, good people , books, told  me that we should all do what we love to do. I dont know why right now I feel lost. My friends have reached heights and positions in their jobs. Where as I am still the same state of confusion as to what exactly is it that I love doing, which could be my job. All these thoughts just because i dont have a job yet. Everybody around me seems to be making money doing anything. But just because I have stopped doing anything and searching to do something I would love,is causing me to lose confidence in myself. My friends in America believe that I would definitely reach heights. My parents tell me that it is okay to forget stuff and everything will be fine. My husband believes that I would probably get a job when I am ready.

I stay at home now trying to recollect my bits. And somehow everyday my day ends up in attending to daily chores. Because we have rented a house, it seems to me that there are endless problems in the house which are taking up my time. Plumbers, electricians saying they would come but ending up coming at a time I would just have started my studies. Days wasted just to get things fixed. Utterly disappointed with the way things are working here. The sole time I can give to my work gets to just 4 5 hours and that is absolutely nothing. Being unable to properly do anything, many times I just feel very sad. I just feel I am not trying enough to get a job so that I could help my husband.

Still, I am trying to be positive somehow and planning to make the day go better. There are many things to learn from life. At first I felt that my life is the same after marriage as it was before. But let me put a break there!! It isn’t the same. Hoping for a better time to come. Just a phase which I guess many people may be going through. So people … there it is my crazy, perhaps temporary thoughts. My pensieve is full.

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A moment

Sometimes it just feels like the whole world is acting against you. I have tried to keep my patience and tried to do something in life. But  failures …. just break the heart.

After 2 years of working I left my job trying to do something which I would love. I joined an animation college and enjoyed studying there for 2 and half years. Got married and came to USA.  I had to manage without doing any work because I was in a dependent visa. But I could study.. So I applied for a college. And today i got a reply that I didnt get through the course I wanted but they could review me for another course, which i dont want. There has been a gap in my studies and work and i feel like I just dont know anything at all! That I have forgotten everything I studied.  I feel scared that I would end up doing nothing. That I have got used to doing nothing but my household chores which take up most of my day! I really want to do something but its fear that keeps me back.

Life is so uncertain. My life is hanging between going back to my hometown and running after jobs which trust me is quite a headache there.  Try to get into some other sort of education which is so costly that the moment I write this I just wipe away that thought. There is also a chance that my husband gets to go to UK and I could work there … if I get any! Its like so many choices are just spread across and when I stand and look I feel nothing will fall in my lap and everything will just vanish. Almost 1 and half years of mostly staying at home and acting as “the perfect ” wife .. I am bored. I do not have the eligibility to work and neither am I getting a college.

Well.. just a bit depressing for me. When I look back and see all the time that I have wasted doing nothing and procrastinating. I wont stop trying though.. I do believe that whatever has to happen best will ultimately happen. Its just sometimes I feel being sad can be justified! But I want to dream big and achieve and it looks like it will take a lot of time. I just hope things fall into place.

The Friendship Graph

Today I want to give a thought to friendship. I am not very old neither am I young.  And at this stage I feel that making new friends has become difficult. I had lots when i was in school and college. It seemed to my family that I had too  many friends. And I did feel rich that way!  Till I was studying my friend circle was excellent. Then I joined work. Ofcourse I made new friends there but my old friends did take a step back in priority, although we were connected by social media. I left my job and started some higher education. Lo and behold I had new and many friends again. After I passed out I got married. I came to USA and living the life as a housewife was kind of a very “sometimes happy sometimes irritating” feeling. For few months I knew no one here except for few of my husband’s friends. Then I joined a dance class and made 2 3 friends there.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I message my old friends sometimes and realize that all of them are in a different stream of life now. Married, having kids, going after a dream job etc.And even though I am connected through social media i do not feel that connected. I dont know what is going on in there lives and get updated when they put up pictures and status message on the internet. The two three friends I have are busy doing something or the other. I feel the bonding I used to have in college or work is absolutely absent now in my life. This decreasing graph of friends in real life and increasing online friends isn’t helping much! I miss my friends many times and wonder if they also feel that life has moved on too fast leaving good old relations behind. Why does it become difficult to make friends at a later stage in life? Or is it just because right now i dont have a job so I dont get to meet many people. Which is why I have this feeling?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I get jealous when I see a picture of a friend with many other friends travelling somewhere or meeting up. Guess friends are really important and it does get difficult to find them later in life. Many of my friends now have groups of friends who are friends of their husbands! And I never see them with there own set of old friends. Husband’s friends become more important than own old friends. After my marriage I could not make many plans with the friends I made here because all there husbands would probably have plans. I miss being with friends who would just be ready to join in and plan something. Guess that’s how life goes. I sound very depressed!!! Well I am just missing my friends and just want to say cheers to people who have held their friendship bonds tightly and keep doing so regardless of how life goes on! Kudos!