Jobs etc…

Well, suddenly i feel that I am doing justice to the name of my blog! These really are confessions I need to make to myself. Keeping thoughts inside me doesnt seem to be of any good. Surprisingly I am not sharing my thoughts with anyone. And look, how easy it is for me to pen down my nuances here. Not being bothered by thinking who will read my thoughts! Seems to be magic.

If any of you have seen Harry Potter, then you should recall something called as a Pensieve.                                                                                                              dumbledore.

For those who don’t know what it is, a pensieve is a  magical device which can store memories. And when needed we can view these memories. I really wish this could be true! So many threads of memories jammed up in the head. A pensieve would definitely make the brain light! I guess for us writing could be our Pensieve. Ok… now for some grief pent up inside. So hear i pour them.

I came back to India after 2 years. Things seem to have changed. Prices,polution,population,noise, and I can go on. Now my friends tell me “Badi aayi America waali”( dont act like an American!) Now after 2 months of staying here i have got used to everything so no more of that sentence.I always say to myself that confidence comes from within. And the only person who can help me is myself. So its important to have faith in oneself. I have forgotten what I had studied 2 years ago.So right now I am doing a recap. When I came here I was all into getting a job mood. But I realised that I should gather up my studies a bit.  Now my husband earns a decent sum of money. Recently he has been talking about trying to do something of his own and thinking about what side job he can do to pay off the bills, loans…..everything. I am unable to tell him that I am utterly disappointed in myself for not getting a job yet. Sometimes I feel I will not be able to do anything. This whole time my parents, good people , books, told  me that we should all do what we love to do. I dont know why right now I feel lost. My friends have reached heights and positions in their jobs. Where as I am still the same state of confusion as to what exactly is it that I love doing, which could be my job. All these thoughts just because i dont have a job yet. Everybody around me seems to be making money doing anything. But just because I have stopped doing anything and searching to do something I would love,is causing me to lose confidence in myself. My friends in America believe that I would definitely reach heights. My parents tell me that it is okay to forget stuff and everything will be fine. My husband believes that I would probably get a job when I am ready.

I stay at home now trying to recollect my bits. And somehow everyday my day ends up in attending to daily chores. Because we have rented a house, it seems to me that there are endless problems in the house which are taking up my time. Plumbers, electricians saying they would come but ending up coming at a time I would just have started my studies. Days wasted just to get things fixed. Utterly disappointed with the way things are working here. The sole time I can give to my work gets to just 4 5 hours and that is absolutely nothing. Being unable to properly do anything, many times I just feel very sad. I just feel I am not trying enough to get a job so that I could help my husband.

Still, I am trying to be positive somehow and planning to make the day go better. There are many things to learn from life. At first I felt that my life is the same after marriage as it was before. But let me put a break there!! It isn’t the same. Hoping for a better time to come. Just a phase which I guess many people may be going through. So people … there it is my crazy, perhaps temporary thoughts. My pensieve is full.

Life…..Sigh!….

Here I am unemployed. Even after working for 2 years I switched my profession from computer engineering to animation. I studied animation and then got married. So even after I actually switched my profession I am yet to start working in it. And it has been almost 2 years that I am staying in America on a dependent visa. Now when I say anybody I am an animator I wonder to myself “Really?!! am I?!” I have not even felt how it is to work in any studio.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Choosing a profession can put so much pressure I had never known!  All I know that i changed my path because my parents had told me to always do something which I would love doing. And I definitely was not loving my IT job! It just wasnt me! Then what exactly did I want? What was it that I could do which would not feel like a heavy job to me? Animation had all the artistic feel to it and my 2 and half years of studying film making and animation was the most enjoyable and educative time of my life. And I knew that I have chosen the right path. Now suddenly after a gap of 2 years I feel distant to everything. Do i still want to go for animation or do I want to do something else.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    When I turn back from where I stand I see my juniors reaching heights. I see my friends having kids and starting a family. People have just dashed ahead it seems. And I am still standing at the position where I again dont know what I really want to do in life. All i know is I want to do something I would enjoy. And somehow I dont have an answer to that question again. In these 2 years of staying home and just performing the duties of a housewife i feel my skills have rusted. If I spend time shining them at what time will I do a job properly or rather reach any height?                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I believed that everything that happens is for a reason. But now I am a little scared that everybody is going ahead of me and I will be just left behind still thinking of what is it that I want to achieve. Too many questions and no answers yet from life. I wonder when I would get a clear view!!

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A moment

Sometimes it just feels like the whole world is acting against you. I have tried to keep my patience and tried to do something in life. But  failures …. just break the heart.

After 2 years of working I left my job trying to do something which I would love. I joined an animation college and enjoyed studying there for 2 and half years. Got married and came to USA.  I had to manage without doing any work because I was in a dependent visa. But I could study.. So I applied for a college. And today i got a reply that I didnt get through the course I wanted but they could review me for another course, which i dont want. There has been a gap in my studies and work and i feel like I just dont know anything at all! That I have forgotten everything I studied.  I feel scared that I would end up doing nothing. That I have got used to doing nothing but my household chores which take up most of my day! I really want to do something but its fear that keeps me back.

Life is so uncertain. My life is hanging between going back to my hometown and running after jobs which trust me is quite a headache there.  Try to get into some other sort of education which is so costly that the moment I write this I just wipe away that thought. There is also a chance that my husband gets to go to UK and I could work there … if I get any! Its like so many choices are just spread across and when I stand and look I feel nothing will fall in my lap and everything will just vanish. Almost 1 and half years of mostly staying at home and acting as “the perfect ” wife .. I am bored. I do not have the eligibility to work and neither am I getting a college.

Well.. just a bit depressing for me. When I look back and see all the time that I have wasted doing nothing and procrastinating. I wont stop trying though.. I do believe that whatever has to happen best will ultimately happen. Its just sometimes I feel being sad can be justified! But I want to dream big and achieve and it looks like it will take a lot of time. I just hope things fall into place.

Precious people!

Its been a year I am in USA. And its my birthday today. Last year I was all alone, no friends, did not know anybody, husband was busy working.. and it was the worst day of the year for me. I missed my friends and all the get together I had. I used to get a very special feeling a month before my birthday! I planned out my party and felt excited ! Some years I was away from home but had my friends and some years I was at home celebrating with my parents and relatives.. It was such a special feeling!

This year…I am missing everybody again.. Although i have few friends here but still I feel alone and miss my near ones. My husband is still busy working… I want the day to pass away quickly…My friends message me how my day is going and what party plans I have. And each time I answer them I realize I miss them so much! This feeling is stuck and because I did not want to keep thinking about it I though what better way than to pen down my feelings!

There are so many people who don’t understand the importance of being near close ones. I was one of them actually! I thought I would be able to cope anywhere.. I am but still there are times when I really feel I could be near my friends and relatives. Just a trip down memory lane… with all those special times and I feel here I am lost. Well.. guess its just a pang of emotions being vent out!

I pray everybody values the times they spend with their close ones because someday we just realize how precious moments they were!! Till then… Happy Birthday to me!! 🙂

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Dreams

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Everybody has a dream, a wish….to do something… It maybe something crazy like a jump from somewhere high..or just a dream job…however difficult and far fetched they may be… dreams are the reason we can feel passionate. And many times we dont realize what exactly that thing we wish for is. we may not be clear on what we want and we start searching for answers. We talk to other people, we google, we even talk with ourselves just to see what exactly that dream is.

Someday I went to the store and bought home a poster. I made my husband sit with me(coz he is always too busy with his job!!) and then we started thinking what actually do we dream of doing.. What will make us happy?  Combined we came up with 10 such wishful desires, which I wrote in colorful pens ( they were very colorful dreams!!!!) We suddenly saw that each dream had a tag behind it. Money. In order to do something to get to the dream money had to be spent.. That too enormous amounts. 😦 I will give you an example. One of the item on our list was world tour. Well….how can you travel if you have no money!  But you know its a dream. At least we came to know that it existed!  It was exciting to go through the dreams we had written….. Although it gave me a sense that everything on that list seemed difficult.

But then… such is a dream. If you dont dream you wont start off even knowing what you want. So I just keep on dreaming and try to clear my clouds and look into what I can do better to get closer to my dream. People start searching for your dreams…. it will definitely give you a boost from this tiresome worldly world!

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There it goes behind the clouds…I just missed it before I could see it…

The colors so vibrant, the magnetism drawing me closer…

just to find out what it is, I run everytime to sneak a peek

But alas I miss it almost everytime…….almost…

The uncontrollable desires which are searching a direction, I wish I could just see a section..

But it takes them too and flies away..and I keep looking for it tomorrow and today…

I know someday I will catch it and then I will be happier than ever,

For a dream is the start to the endless roads..which will be worth when we break all the codes..

The First Few Days…and next…

One of the things I was worried about after marriage was my clothing. It may seem a very small stupid thing. But imagine having to wear a saree all day with jewellery. (Saree is a looong piece of cloth draped onto oneself, generally women in India wear it). Its a tedious process of covering up the body. Unless you have been wearing it for quite some time and have got used to it.

The art of saree wearingAnd I was always in my jeans and a top everytime before marriage. So I really had a problem wearing sarees. Initially I tried and if I was not very successful in draping myself, I would peep out from the room I had got and see if there were any women to help me fix it!!! And yes 1 or 2 did help me. It was a ritual that I wasn’t supposed to enter the kitchen till 3 days of the marriage. So I literally had nothing else to do except be all dressed up in the morning and sit, ready for more people to come and see me. And I had to put a section of the saree on my head…..as I wasnt supposed to go in front of people with nothing on the head.  I would have worn a cap but…… ofcourse not.

So 3 days went by like that.  Same routine day and night. And yes I wasn’t allowed to sleep on the same bed as my husband’s till day 4. Again custom. Then after 4 days the day came when I was supposed to enter the kitchen and cook something. That day I woke up, got ready and when i came out I saw 4 people cutting vegetables. Well there was no pressure on me as they wern’t talking about me cooking. I was beginning to think that maybe i was spared…..but…ahem ahem….. then came the discussion. I ended up making food for 15 people…. chicken curry , vegetable curry …and a curd dish. And Indian chicken curry is supposed to be spicy else no one likes it… Well cooking never was a problem for me but for 15 people!!! My hand was scolding me and threatening me never to move again!!!! Then I served it to whomever came…. And suddenly there seemed to be more than 15 people….. Well….The chiken curry was a hit!!! And guess what I got money from two people as blessings for making good food……. PayOff!!!!

There were many times in the day that I wanted to spend some time with my husband… But he was kinda kept busy running errands. So it was all new people who came and visited me. And then there were those who had attended the marriage reception and were showing there face again…. “Do you remember me??? ” How would I remember anybody new whom I had met among a crowd of 6 7 hundred odd people… “MMMMM…. yesss I think I do remember!!!” Thats what I said just to be spared from the whole linking up relations to remind me who they were.

Eventually things settled down and by day 6 7 the crowd was a minimum. I started to sleep with my husband. Attended two prayer rituals still wearing saree(aaarrrrrrrrggggg!!!!). What kept me on was a good time of the marriage where  I was supposed to go home to my parents house on the 8th day. I went on  7th night…. and then trust me when I say this….I reached home ….ran inside my room…threw off the saree and changed into my comfy pajamas and gave out a shriek of joy.minion_despicable_me_by_sangreprimitiva-d646doc My parents ofcourse were happy to see me. Although I was supposed to stay for a day ….freedom tasted much sweeter….

Also me and my husband were supposed to go to Phoenix. He was working onsite and I was looking at getting a visa. After 7 days of stay at my home … My visa interview was scheduled in Mumbai, India. And I passed it!! Yeeeaaaaaaahh!!! I was happpyyyy… I was back to my jeans… with my husband… alone in Mumbai…. And then my parents joined us to bid farewell to US. All was well…and then we just flew.

Now I am in Phoenix. Its been 6 and a half months .. Its been a little tough  and I see my mother in law snoring in front of me right now…….but…. thats another story!!!!

A fear….a start… contd..

My Marriage Day –  I remember getting up in the morning and feeling nothing. Believe me nothing. Things definitely took time to sink inside me!!!!  Well that day went by and i was smiling the whole day.  Its one of the feelings when I was having when you just feel happy. Why you don’t know. That day went past and all was okay and well. I was exhausted by the end of the day. You see I have a very ritualistic family. And being from a religion which has tedious and long hours of chanting mantras and sitting in front of the fire, there was no question I would not have been tired.  Speaking of chants….. i really wonder why so many chants are there but hardly any of them are explained to us. It has always been so romantic and dreamy to see a christian wedding !!! But then I cant do anything about it. At night i was supposed to leave my house and go to my new house. Yes that time when I was in the car I felt a pang of pain coming from nowhere in particular but somehow linked to the look in my dad’s eyes. I smiled but the way to the new house was taking an eternity. 

I reached and after seeing about thousands of people in the day, there were more new people to see. Again that was the time my 2 brothers had come to leave me. And yet again I felt an isolated feeling. All faces were new. I felt like I was a new animal in the zoo whom everybody had come to look at. I was not even relieved at night when I had to sleep.  It was the night I had to sleep with my Mother in Law.  I lied down there thinking of how suddenly the day had seemed to pass by and I was married. I had to change into 4 heavy dresses that one single day. Just when I thought that the tiredness will get the better out of me I heard a tremendous noise. And my eyes were wide awake. Yes snoring. I didnt know how to sleep anymore when the din was this huge. And after all it was my mother in law’s snore. I couldn’t wake her up on my first day there!!! Sighh!!!  Around sometime early morning an alarm beeped at a distance and she woke up. I managed to get 2 3 hrs of sleep and got up for my first new day at my new house.