Jobs etc…

Well, suddenly i feel that I am doing justice to the name of my blog! These really are confessions I need to make to myself. Keeping thoughts inside me doesnt seem to be of any good. Surprisingly I am not sharing my thoughts with anyone. And look, how easy it is for me to pen down my nuances here. Not being bothered by thinking who will read my thoughts! Seems to be magic.

If any of you have seen Harry Potter, then you should recall something called as a Pensieve.                                                                                                              dumbledore.

For those who don’t know what it is, a pensieve is a  magical device which can store memories. And when needed we can view these memories. I really wish this could be true! So many threads of memories jammed up in the head. A pensieve would definitely make the brain light! I guess for us writing could be our Pensieve. Ok… now for some grief pent up inside. So hear i pour them.

I came back to India after 2 years. Things seem to have changed. Prices,polution,population,noise, and I can go on. Now my friends tell me “Badi aayi America waali”( dont act like an American!) Now after 2 months of staying here i have got used to everything so no more of that sentence.I always say to myself that confidence comes from within. And the only person who can help me is myself. So its important to have faith in oneself. I have forgotten what I had studied 2 years ago.So right now I am doing a recap. When I came here I was all into getting a job mood. But I realised that I should gather up my studies a bit.  Now my husband earns a decent sum of money. Recently he has been talking about trying to do something of his own and thinking about what side job he can do to pay off the bills, loans…..everything. I am unable to tell him that I am utterly disappointed in myself for not getting a job yet. Sometimes I feel I will not be able to do anything. This whole time my parents, good people , books, told  me that we should all do what we love to do. I dont know why right now I feel lost. My friends have reached heights and positions in their jobs. Where as I am still the same state of confusion as to what exactly is it that I love doing, which could be my job. All these thoughts just because i dont have a job yet. Everybody around me seems to be making money doing anything. But just because I have stopped doing anything and searching to do something I would love,is causing me to lose confidence in myself. My friends in America believe that I would definitely reach heights. My parents tell me that it is okay to forget stuff and everything will be fine. My husband believes that I would probably get a job when I am ready.

I stay at home now trying to recollect my bits. And somehow everyday my day ends up in attending to daily chores. Because we have rented a house, it seems to me that there are endless problems in the house which are taking up my time. Plumbers, electricians saying they would come but ending up coming at a time I would just have started my studies. Days wasted just to get things fixed. Utterly disappointed with the way things are working here. The sole time I can give to my work gets to just 4 5 hours and that is absolutely nothing. Being unable to properly do anything, many times I just feel very sad. I just feel I am not trying enough to get a job so that I could help my husband.

Still, I am trying to be positive somehow and planning to make the day go better. There are many things to learn from life. At first I felt that my life is the same after marriage as it was before. But let me put a break there!! It isn’t the same. Hoping for a better time to come. Just a phase which I guess many people may be going through. So people … there it is my crazy, perhaps temporary thoughts. My pensieve is full.

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Life…..Sigh!….

Here I am unemployed. Even after working for 2 years I switched my profession from computer engineering to animation. I studied animation and then got married. So even after I actually switched my profession I am yet to start working in it. And it has been almost 2 years that I am staying in America on a dependent visa. Now when I say anybody I am an animator I wonder to myself “Really?!! am I?!” I have not even felt how it is to work in any studio.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Choosing a profession can put so much pressure I had never known!  All I know that i changed my path because my parents had told me to always do something which I would love doing. And I definitely was not loving my IT job! It just wasnt me! Then what exactly did I want? What was it that I could do which would not feel like a heavy job to me? Animation had all the artistic feel to it and my 2 and half years of studying film making and animation was the most enjoyable and educative time of my life. And I knew that I have chosen the right path. Now suddenly after a gap of 2 years I feel distant to everything. Do i still want to go for animation or do I want to do something else.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    When I turn back from where I stand I see my juniors reaching heights. I see my friends having kids and starting a family. People have just dashed ahead it seems. And I am still standing at the position where I again dont know what I really want to do in life. All i know is I want to do something I would enjoy. And somehow I dont have an answer to that question again. In these 2 years of staying home and just performing the duties of a housewife i feel my skills have rusted. If I spend time shining them at what time will I do a job properly or rather reach any height?                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I believed that everything that happens is for a reason. But now I am a little scared that everybody is going ahead of me and I will be just left behind still thinking of what is it that I want to achieve. Too many questions and no answers yet from life. I wonder when I would get a clear view!!

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