From an Indian to Everybody

Today I saw a movie called “Hundred Foot Long Journey”. It is one of the few Indo English movies I have seen recently. Talking about the story of the movie I think it was a good one. I felt the movie got stretched at the end but it was ok.  

  What made me write this post today isnt about reviewing the movie. Its something to do with how my country has been depicted.Since the movie  “Slumdog Millionaire”, which was a very nicely crafted movie, I feel the poverty in India has been used too much to depict the country. I mean whats with showing all the slums and crowded streets and everything that doesnt make us very proud? Every place has something which is good and bad. There are movies where introducing India has opening shots like showing only the slum areas, living in dilapidated  places, stray animals everywhere, poor children and i could just go on. Well agreed that we are a nation which needs a lot of developing to do, but why cant you show the places which are beautiful! We do have very clean places and 5 star hotels! 

The movie Hundred Foot Long Journey also showcased from the very first shot the immensely crowded streets of a place and people shouting. A dialogue which says that the chef who has risen from the “gutter” or drain made me feel very very angry. I feel that the way my country is being projected is someway not right. And I dont want the audience to feel connected to it because of the wrong reasons. We have age old culture and modernization all together here. Instead of portraying the side which is not so good I really hope that all the good qualities are shown instead.  As I said there is a good side and a bad side to every place we live in. So I hope people see the beauty of my country instead and learn about all the wonderful culture we are so proud of.

Life…..Sigh!….

Here I am unemployed. Even after working for 2 years I switched my profession from computer engineering to animation. I studied animation and then got married. So even after I actually switched my profession I am yet to start working in it. And it has been almost 2 years that I am staying in America on a dependent visa. Now when I say anybody I am an animator I wonder to myself “Really?!! am I?!” I have not even felt how it is to work in any studio.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Choosing a profession can put so much pressure I had never known!  All I know that i changed my path because my parents had told me to always do something which I would love doing. And I definitely was not loving my IT job! It just wasnt me! Then what exactly did I want? What was it that I could do which would not feel like a heavy job to me? Animation had all the artistic feel to it and my 2 and half years of studying film making and animation was the most enjoyable and educative time of my life. And I knew that I have chosen the right path. Now suddenly after a gap of 2 years I feel distant to everything. Do i still want to go for animation or do I want to do something else.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    When I turn back from where I stand I see my juniors reaching heights. I see my friends having kids and starting a family. People have just dashed ahead it seems. And I am still standing at the position where I again dont know what I really want to do in life. All i know is I want to do something I would enjoy. And somehow I dont have an answer to that question again. In these 2 years of staying home and just performing the duties of a housewife i feel my skills have rusted. If I spend time shining them at what time will I do a job properly or rather reach any height?                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I believed that everything that happens is for a reason. But now I am a little scared that everybody is going ahead of me and I will be just left behind still thinking of what is it that I want to achieve. Too many questions and no answers yet from life. I wonder when I would get a clear view!!

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A moment

Sometimes it just feels like the whole world is acting against you. I have tried to keep my patience and tried to do something in life. But  failures …. just break the heart.

After 2 years of working I left my job trying to do something which I would love. I joined an animation college and enjoyed studying there for 2 and half years. Got married and came to USA.  I had to manage without doing any work because I was in a dependent visa. But I could study.. So I applied for a college. And today i got a reply that I didnt get through the course I wanted but they could review me for another course, which i dont want. There has been a gap in my studies and work and i feel like I just dont know anything at all! That I have forgotten everything I studied.  I feel scared that I would end up doing nothing. That I have got used to doing nothing but my household chores which take up most of my day! I really want to do something but its fear that keeps me back.

Life is so uncertain. My life is hanging between going back to my hometown and running after jobs which trust me is quite a headache there.  Try to get into some other sort of education which is so costly that the moment I write this I just wipe away that thought. There is also a chance that my husband gets to go to UK and I could work there … if I get any! Its like so many choices are just spread across and when I stand and look I feel nothing will fall in my lap and everything will just vanish. Almost 1 and half years of mostly staying at home and acting as “the perfect ” wife .. I am bored. I do not have the eligibility to work and neither am I getting a college.

Well.. just a bit depressing for me. When I look back and see all the time that I have wasted doing nothing and procrastinating. I wont stop trying though.. I do believe that whatever has to happen best will ultimately happen. Its just sometimes I feel being sad can be justified! But I want to dream big and achieve and it looks like it will take a lot of time. I just hope things fall into place.

The Friendship Graph

Today I want to give a thought to friendship. I am not very old neither am I young.  And at this stage I feel that making new friends has become difficult. I had lots when i was in school and college. It seemed to my family that I had too  many friends. And I did feel rich that way!  Till I was studying my friend circle was excellent. Then I joined work. Ofcourse I made new friends there but my old friends did take a step back in priority, although we were connected by social media. I left my job and started some higher education. Lo and behold I had new and many friends again. After I passed out I got married. I came to USA and living the life as a housewife was kind of a very “sometimes happy sometimes irritating” feeling. For few months I knew no one here except for few of my husband’s friends. Then I joined a dance class and made 2 3 friends there.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I message my old friends sometimes and realize that all of them are in a different stream of life now. Married, having kids, going after a dream job etc.And even though I am connected through social media i do not feel that connected. I dont know what is going on in there lives and get updated when they put up pictures and status message on the internet. The two three friends I have are busy doing something or the other. I feel the bonding I used to have in college or work is absolutely absent now in my life. This decreasing graph of friends in real life and increasing online friends isn’t helping much! I miss my friends many times and wonder if they also feel that life has moved on too fast leaving good old relations behind. Why does it become difficult to make friends at a later stage in life? Or is it just because right now i dont have a job so I dont get to meet many people. Which is why I have this feeling?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I get jealous when I see a picture of a friend with many other friends travelling somewhere or meeting up. Guess friends are really important and it does get difficult to find them later in life. Many of my friends now have groups of friends who are friends of their husbands! And I never see them with there own set of old friends. Husband’s friends become more important than own old friends. After my marriage I could not make many plans with the friends I made here because all there husbands would probably have plans. I miss being with friends who would just be ready to join in and plan something. Guess that’s how life goes. I sound very depressed!!! Well I am just missing my friends and just want to say cheers to people who have held their friendship bonds tightly and keep doing so regardless of how life goes on! Kudos!

Precious people!

Its been a year I am in USA. And its my birthday today. Last year I was all alone, no friends, did not know anybody, husband was busy working.. and it was the worst day of the year for me. I missed my friends and all the get together I had. I used to get a very special feeling a month before my birthday! I planned out my party and felt excited ! Some years I was away from home but had my friends and some years I was at home celebrating with my parents and relatives.. It was such a special feeling!

This year…I am missing everybody again.. Although i have few friends here but still I feel alone and miss my near ones. My husband is still busy working… I want the day to pass away quickly…My friends message me how my day is going and what party plans I have. And each time I answer them I realize I miss them so much! This feeling is stuck and because I did not want to keep thinking about it I though what better way than to pen down my feelings!

There are so many people who don’t understand the importance of being near close ones. I was one of them actually! I thought I would be able to cope anywhere.. I am but still there are times when I really feel I could be near my friends and relatives. Just a trip down memory lane… with all those special times and I feel here I am lost. Well.. guess its just a pang of emotions being vent out!

I pray everybody values the times they spend with their close ones because someday we just realize how precious moments they were!! Till then… Happy Birthday to me!! 🙂

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Dreams

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Everybody has a dream, a wish….to do something… It maybe something crazy like a jump from somewhere high..or just a dream job…however difficult and far fetched they may be… dreams are the reason we can feel passionate. And many times we dont realize what exactly that thing we wish for is. we may not be clear on what we want and we start searching for answers. We talk to other people, we google, we even talk with ourselves just to see what exactly that dream is.

Someday I went to the store and bought home a poster. I made my husband sit with me(coz he is always too busy with his job!!) and then we started thinking what actually do we dream of doing.. What will make us happy?  Combined we came up with 10 such wishful desires, which I wrote in colorful pens ( they were very colorful dreams!!!!) We suddenly saw that each dream had a tag behind it. Money. In order to do something to get to the dream money had to be spent.. That too enormous amounts. 😦 I will give you an example. One of the item on our list was world tour. Well….how can you travel if you have no money!  But you know its a dream. At least we came to know that it existed!  It was exciting to go through the dreams we had written….. Although it gave me a sense that everything on that list seemed difficult.

But then… such is a dream. If you dont dream you wont start off even knowing what you want. So I just keep on dreaming and try to clear my clouds and look into what I can do better to get closer to my dream. People start searching for your dreams…. it will definitely give you a boost from this tiresome worldly world!

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There it goes behind the clouds…I just missed it before I could see it…

The colors so vibrant, the magnetism drawing me closer…

just to find out what it is, I run everytime to sneak a peek

But alas I miss it almost everytime…….almost…

The uncontrollable desires which are searching a direction, I wish I could just see a section..

But it takes them too and flies away..and I keep looking for it tomorrow and today…

I know someday I will catch it and then I will be happier than ever,

For a dream is the start to the endless roads..which will be worth when we break all the codes..

Sharing and caring.

There are times when you feel that parents should know all the facts of life that children are going through. But what if children aren’t comfortable to talk with them. I never was a very talkative person. And I had lots of highs and lows in life which I could not share with anyone. I used to write a diary …. Diaries actually. And I wrote them backwards. You know so that no one would be able to read them.  But is writing sufficient when what you want is really someone to understand how you are feeling..

I never shared much with anybody. When I was in my last two years of high school I made a very dear friend with whom I was comfortable sharing few things. But still not everything was out.  I never felt the need of sharing it with parents anymore. And the life I started living was one where I was the person who motivated or demotivated myself. I gathered from many “morning chats and readings” my dad used to read out, was that it was not by listening to sermons, or reading books about high standard of living or any other person motivating, that we would start living a better life. But it solely depends on the will and thoughts of a person by we he/she can go ahead. I dislike reading non fiction about learning how to be a winner and stuff like that.  So till today I like to believe that I am the only person who can give myself a boost or loose it completely.

Today I talked with my aunt. She is a 72 year old lady full of passion for life. Anyone who sees her will envy and respect her for what she has accomplished. She grew up in a small city in India and was taught everything …..rituals and customs . Then she got married and came to US and has been living here since. That helped broaden her mind. She still talks the way she used to  and eats beetle leaves (paan) wears salwars and saree sometimes…. but then she writes books…she does gardening… she cooks ..she travels… she wears swimwears.. she climbs mountains…..damn she does everything!!!!  The talks we shared today was something which I thought I would speak with my parents or something which my husband would understand.. You know….. its just been 6 months of my marriage and I have a lots of hopes and dreams …. but every family has somethings which will just drag down the joy. getting accustomed to ways of living in a house other than yours will be difficult.  So the problems…. not problems actually but the changes and awkwardness that i wasnt able to tell anybody … suddenly were coming out from her mouth. She told me everything that I was keeping inside me. Yes… she understood me better than anyone has. I was just overwhelmed with joy and happiness and it felt really light after that. I wished everybody would have such ladies as mothers, mother in laws, sisters, wives……

So you see even if I would have written about the problems I am facing or the things I am not liking they still would have just remained inside me … at least a part of it.  But talking did help. And sometimes when the opportunity like this comes we should just speak up. Coz its not necessary that only our parents or friends will be the only one whom you can tell or hide …..But it may be a totally different person you have never shared anything with.